oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
