If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
