If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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