I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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