I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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