Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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