He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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