my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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