Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
