Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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