God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
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