You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I intend to get homeless drunk
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
