Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
