Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
