fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
This toilet bowl is my home.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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