if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
