oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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