She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
