it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
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