That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
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