did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
