True but thats because hes a fetus.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
