the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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