i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
did i just pee glitter
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
