We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
