I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize