New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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