her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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