i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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