I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish you could order shots online.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
