i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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