all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
