I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
