I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
