Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
