guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
