Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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