I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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