He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
