I just saw a hot homeless man
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
