My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
