You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
