I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
