Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
