Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
