its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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