I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
