The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I'm like, not good at living.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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