It's Friday. Sex?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
