I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
