Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
