the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
