Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
