That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
