I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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