proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
as a side note pls kill me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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