So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
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