I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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