nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
