I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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