She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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