Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
