Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
