They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize