i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
