Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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