life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Come on in and take your pants off
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize