I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
