I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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