I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
